Touring Terra

by Jonette Stabbert

Step this way as our tour of Earth continues. Remember not to step off the craft. Miss Grmph! Mind your feet; one misstep and you’ll be shark bait! The tour company is not responsible for passengers who stray from the craft voluntarily or accidentally. You may only alight at our designated stops. 

That was Norway on our left. Below us is the North Sea. To our right is Scotland. Ah, we’re passing Denmark now on our left. Look to the right again to see the United Kingdom. You can look through the guidebook and refresh your minds again about these countries while we break for lunch. It’s just about time.  Let me see a show of hands – majority decides – who wants to stop in London and who would prefer Amsterdam?  Amsterdam it is.  Do not attempt to leave the craft until I instruct you to do so.

Miss Grmph! Must I remind you again? 

We will be dividing into two groups. The luxury class passengers will assemble first on the main deck. You will get to experience this city in a unique way and pass as natives. Configure your features and bodies to conform to Earthling type. Your clothing is being distributed. Be certain to wear it all, including the amusing nose and ‘belly button’ rings. If you forget to put on the footwear, you could seriously upset Earthlings. Miss Grmph!  Please pay attention – this is very important. In no way must we draw attention to ourselves. Set your translating program to Dutch. It is the fourth icon as you scroll down your watch screens.  Our stewards will be standing by to escort you off the craft. I will be joining you, along with two assistants. 

We will visit a Dutch ‘brown café’, where you may eat lunch among natives. I recommend the ‘nieuwe haring’, a form of sea life that Earthlings commonly ingest  and the ‘Heineken Pils’, a bubbly beverage. This combination is a popular Dutch lunch. You may find that the ‘haring’ is somewhat similar to Blontonian ‘frsgies’. It’s my personal favorite. Do not have more than two drinks or you may be unable to enjoy our next stop.  We will proceed to a ‘coffee shop’, where you will partake in an exotic ritual. This venue sells dried leaves that are rolled in paper and ignited. “What’s that, Mr. Hpggm? Ha, ha. No, don’t worry – you won’t burn your mouth. You don’t eat these ‘joints’; you inhale them. No, you won’t burn your nose or throat. Remember; inhale them only with your mouths, not any other orifice.  If you do this properly, you will experience a state of euphoria.  Do not use this to fly! Anyone breaking the Intergalactic Travel Directives by flying, failing to configure your features or exposing your feet will immediately be cloaked in invisibility by our staff and taken back to the craft and incarcerated in the hold. I hope you’re paying attention, Miss Grmph. Your father may be a senior partner in the tour company, but he is not above the law. 

Economy class passengers will assemble at the back of the craft. Activate your invisibility shields. You will enter the café and only eat or drink what has been left untouched on the Earthling patrons’ plates. When you go to the coffee shop, you are not to touch the ‘joints’.  Sniff the air and inhale deeply – using mouths, only! Some of you may be lucky enough to get the giggles. This means you’ve had a genuine Earthly ‘contact high’. 

We will then be shopping for souvenirs. The wooden footwear, known as ‘klompen’ make particularly amusing presents for folks back home, as do ‘hash pipes’ and funny lace caps. 

Any questions, before we set out?