Due to popular demand,
the end of the world has been held over.
Acid rain checks will be honored.

Villagers with torches to the left.
Pitchforks to the right.
The monster is currently seeing
number 4,003,217.

On Saturday, the sun will explode.
Forecast: Clear and warm with
a higher than normal chance
of being charbroiled.

The front parking lot is reserved for War.
Famine and Pestilence, use the rear entrance.
Death will make his own arrangements.
Please show them all possible courtesy.

Astronauts today discovered an asteroid
with an unfortunate trajectory.
"Houston, you have a problem."

Caution: Leviathan crossing.

Do NOT give up hope!
Abandoned hopes will be towed
at owner's expense.

I know we told you
to go into the light, son.
It's not supposed to run away.

At the sound of the tone
the time will be too late.