“Hello, Psychic Friends Home Shopping Network. How may I help you?...Yes, sir, the cashmere scarf that was just on is indeed a lovely color, and your wife will love it…May I recommend the green instead? She doesn’t have anything that will match the blue, and she thinks the green brings out her eyes…of course, sir. That will be $57.98. I’ll just need an oral confirmation that you want that on the Mastercard with the last four digits 4863… Thank you very much. And you have a nice day as well, but don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning. Bye now.”

“Hello, Psychic Friends Home Shopping Network. How may I help you?...Oh, no, ma’am, I’m afraid this department doesn’t do séances….These days? Mostly fine jewelry and kitchen gadgets. We have a lovely salad spinner right now, with an extra compartment that’s guaranteed to evenly coat every leaf with just the right amount of dressing, and it would be perfect for your daughter’s birthday…No, ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t put you in touch with your late husband. Contacting the dead is strictly against company policy. I can offer you a special price on the tongs to match the spinner, though, if you just order by midnight…hello?”

“Hello, Psychic Friends Home Shopping Network…No, I’m sorry, sir, it doesn’t come in extra large, it only comes in medium…No, sir, you’re not a medium, I’m sorry. I’m sure you did wear it in college, but it won’t fit now…Yes, sir, I’ll connect you to my supervisor, but she’s going to tell you the same thing.”

“Hello, Psychic Friends Home Shopping Network…No, ma’am, I haven’t reconsidered my position. I really cannot contact your husband. I know that used to be possible, but the rules changed after the merger…No, ma’am, I cannot…are you trying to bribe me? No, I certainly will not!...Same to you!”

“Hello, Psychic Friends Home Shopping Network. Yes, it works just like on TV, no, it doesn’t come in purple…Well, your sister will say she likes it, but she’s going to put it on a shelf and never take it out of the box…Oh, she’s going to get you some jasmine body lotion from the grocery store for Christmas. I know, but she forgot you’re allergic…Well, yes, I think that’s fair. All right, that will be $13.95.”

“Hello, Psychic Friends – oh, you again…Well, you did call me a freakish witch in the thrall of Satan….I’m glad you’re sorry, but I would have preferred it if you’d left my mother out of it. No, I still can’t help you talk to Fred. Pearl earrings? No? Fine.”

“Hello, Psychic Friends Home Shopping Network. If you need something for your mother-in-law’s birthday, but don’t know what to get her, how about our lovely semi-precious cluster necklace, with 14 karat gold chain? The clasp is specially designed to be opened easily with arthritic hands, and it comes with a lovely velveteen pouch…Yes, she’s been suffering from arthritis for about a year now…$114.35. Thank you, and you have a nice day, too.”

“Hello, Psychic- oh, Lord. Look, I’m not supposed to do this, but if I contact him once, do you promise you’ll stop calling? Really? Ok, hold on a minute…Oh. Oh dear. Fred says that he was finally getting some peace and quiet, and he’d prefer it if you’d leave him alone so he could continue to enjoy his well earned rest. Also, to stop putting the knitted baby jacket on the Doberman, it’s demeaning. No, ma’am, I did not make that up just to spite you. Your sainted husband would never speak to you that way? Ask the Doberman. You’re never calling here again? Really? You promise?...yeah, you too, lady.”

“Hello, Psychic Friends Home Shopping Network…”