Take a Look at My Girlfriend

It’s Friday night and I’m waiting by the door, feeling really anxious.  You see, this ain’t just any ordinary Friday night; Lenny is coming over with his new girlfriend.

Yes sir, it’s a big day for Lenny.  You see, Lenny ain’t ever had a girlfriend before.

Lenny’s a nice guy and all, but he’s a little slow.  Plus, he’s got a face only a mother could love, ya know what I mean? Big ears, a nose like a sausage and sad, droopy eyes like a hound dog; poor Lenny wasn’t born lucky.  He also don’t bathe too often; but he’s a sweet kid, you know? And I always figure everybody needs somebody to care about ‘em.  I decided a long time ago to be the one for Lenny.

The kids in school used to pick on him.  They tried to trick him into doing stupid things, even things to hurt himself. I can’t count how many fights I got into for Lenny.  It’s how my nose got broke, but I don’t care; I ain’t got many friends either, and Lenny is always so grateful.

Tonight I got a bottle of wine in the fridge, one I was saving for a special occasion.  It cost almost three dollars, which is a lot with the depression we got going on.  I got real steaks cooking in the oven, too.  Nothing’s too good for Lenny’s special night.  The Colgate Hour is on the television; I figure Jack Benny will be good for a laugh and Lenny won’t have to talk so much.

I dolled myself up real good, but not too good. I don’t want the dame to give Lenny the old heave-ho for me.

Not that I’m Clark Gable myself, but I’m strong and the dames really go for that. In high school, I used to tear phone books in half to impress ‘em, and it worked good until I’d open my big mouth. Once they heard my lousy English and thick Brooklyn accent, they’d scram for one of those stuck up football jocks.

I don’t need a dame anyway, not the way Lenny does, pining and talking about ‘em all the time: “Frankie, I saw this girl”; “Frankie, this girl smiled at me”; “Frankie, look at her, ain’t she pretty”…it’s kind a sad, really.

The doorbell rings.  I hear Lenny’s high-pitched whine outside the door, all excited talking to his date.  I hear another voice.  It’s deep, like a man’s.  Is that his date?  Cool it, Lenny, I think, don’t talk so much and scare her away.  I decide I’d better get ‘em inside, before she can wise up and turn tail.

I put on my friendliest smile and open the door.  I say to myself, prepare yourself, Frankie; she might not be no beauty queen, but you got to make out like she’s a real prize, for Lenny’s sake.

There’s Lenny, smiling like he just won the lottery.  And there’s his date.

I almost choke on my tongue.  I wasn’t expecting Marilyn Monroe, but sheesh, I ain’t never seen such an ugly dame in my whole life. She’s a foot taller than Lenny, and her head is tilted to one side like it’s broken, towards the hump on her shoulder.  She drooling out of the side of her mouth, and has got the shakes or something.

She’s even got a mustache and a five o’clock shadow, so help me God. Her arms got blue streaks up and down ‘em, from the elbows to the hands, all curled up like she’s making fists.  She’s wearing an ugly, wrinkled print dress with little red and yellow flowers on it that looks like it’s been slept in for a week.  But her eyes are what really give me the creeps; they’re dark, like two black marbles stuck in a deer mounted on a wall.  Jeez, where did Lenny dig her up, at the circus freak show?

And she smells, too.  I realize I’m standing there like a dope.  They’re both looking at me, Lenny with a big sappy smile.

I snap out of it.  ‘Hey Lenny!  So, this is the new lady!  Come on in, folks.”  My voice sounds funny, but they don’t seem to notice.  I clear my throat and step back.  They walk in my small living room and stand in front of the green couch with its cigarette burns, looking nervous.  On the TV, Jack Benny makes a joke and gets a laugh.

Lenny’s holding her hands like if he lets go the two of ‘em will be pulled apart by a tornado.  They’re standing so close it’s like they’re trying to crawl inside each other’s clothes.  It’s really giving me the willies.  I try to look her in the eyes but get a creepy feeling and have to look away.

“This is Lois, Frankie.  Lois.”  He says it like she’s a saint or something.  He looks into her eyes, transfixed.  She stares at me, her head bouncing off her hump.  It’s making me feel itchy and gooey inside.

She talks in that deep, manly voice.  “Hi, Frankie.  Lenny told me all about you.  He never shuts up about anything.”  I nod, and wonder if she’s really a man dressed up as a woman; her voice is too deep for a dame and she seems too tough for a dame. She smells even worse than Lenny, like a dog that’s been rolling around in rotten meat.  I won’t be eating dinner, that’s for sure.

“Isn’t she wonderful, Frankie?”  Lenny says, grinning.  “She’s beautiful.”

“Sh-she sure is, Lenny.  A real looker. Well, take a load off, folks, and watch some TV.  I got to check on dinner.”  I’m glad I got an excuse to leave.

As I start to head into the kitchen Lois says, “Lenny’s a real looker too, don’t you think, Frankie?”  She smiles, and a little more drool drips out of the side of her mouth.  “I could do probably better at the dog pound.”

Sheesh, she’s not even nice to him.  Even Lenny should be able to get somebody better than this.  How desperate is the poor guy?  I got to try harder to find him a decent dame so he can dump this one, fast. She’s bad news.

“Uh, dinner’s almost ready.  I’ll grab the vino and we can, celebrate.”  Anything so I don’t have to stand here looking at her.  And boy do I need a drink.

“Sure thing, Frankie.  Frankie’s my best friend in the whole world,” Lenny says to Lois.  “He’s smart.  He works at the docks.  He never calls me stupid.”

Lois looks at Lenny.  “He’s your only friend, Lenny, ‘cause you are stupid.  Stupid and ugly.”

I scratch my neck.  I can’t believe she just said that.  And Lenny, he’s still smiling at her like she just gave him a kiss.  I want to punch her ugly face and kick her out the door.

“You’re gonna like Frankie, Lois, I just know it.  We’re all gonna be best pals.”

Lois looks at me and bugs crawl up and down my back.  It’s like something slimy is crawling around inside me.  “Sure we will.  I’m gonna like old Frankie, I am.”

I gulp.  “I’ll get the vino.”

I hurry into the kitchen, which is just off the living room, three steps, not near far enough away.  She’s still staring at me.  I can feel her eyes burning holes in my back.  It feels like she’s scraping sharp claws on it.

I open the fridge.  Lenny is braying about something, and she’s talking mean back to him.  Stop that, you bitch.  Say something nice, before I knock your teeth down your ugly throat.  He’s your date, and he’s crazy about ya.  He’s more than a hag like you deserves in a million years.  Treat him nice, or I’ll bury ya, so help me.  You hurt his feelings, and I’ll make ya sorry ya ever crawled out of the slime pit where you was born.

There’s a weird slurping sound.  I walk to where I can see and look at them.  I almost throw up.  Lenny’s kissing her, kissing that ugly, sloppy, hairy mug of hers, slobbering all over it.  She’s pulling him close.  He has to tilt his head to kiss her and she’s got her arms wrapped around him like an octopus.  Suddenly I know something; there’s something really wrong with this dame. She ain’t normal.  I got to get Lenny away from her, fast.

I carry the wine and some glasses to the table and I get an idea.  If I pretend to be hot for her, she’ll dump Lenny in a heartbeat.  The thought of her after me makes my stomach quiver, but for Lenny, I got to do it.

“Here’s the vino,” I say.  I set it on the table.  She lets Lenny go.  He tries to cling to her but she shoves him away.  Poor guy, he’s really in deep. Let her go, Lenny; for God’s sake, let her go.

I sit down.  She turns those evil, beady eyes on me again.  I have a hard time staying in my seat.  I’m itchy all over.  I want to jump up.  I want to scream.  I want to run from the room.  The smell is getting worse.  And Lenny’s pawing her again. I don’t know how much more I can take.

“So you work at the docks,” she says.  “You’re a big strong dock worker.”

“Uh, yeah.”  I pour the wine into the glasses and my hand is shaking.  I pick up my glass swallow my wine fast, then pour some more.  I want her to stop talking to me; it makes me feel like a bug stuck on a board with a pin.

“Maybe you can show me around the docks sometime, just me and you. I can make it worth your while.”  I can’t believe it.  She’s coming on to me with Lenny right in the room!  Damn, I hate this broad.

The plan.  I got to stick to the plan.  Why am I so scared?

“Sure, maybe sometime, I don’t know.”

“How about tonight, after dinner?”

Lenny looks hurt, and I feel like dirt, but I got to stick to the plan.

“Ain’t ou and Lenny got plans?”

She looks at Lenny like he’s a dead cat a dog drug in. “Lenny don’t mind being left alone, he’s used to it.  Besides, it’s about time I traded up.”

That’s it; I can’t take it anymore.  I’m gonna tell this dame where to get off. I’m gonna throw her out, and neither Lenny or I will have to worry about her anymore. The only thing that stops me is the timer goes off.  I got to get the steaks out they’ll start a fire.

We look into each other’s eyes.  She knows what I’m gonna do, but she’s not scared.  She reminds me of a hungry animal.

I run to the kitchen, afraid to look back.  “Got to get the steaks.”

I ain’t never felt so scared before.  She’s coming for me, I know.  As I grab a mitt and pull the steaks out, I think about what I can grab fast to defend myself.  A knife.  I need a knife.

Lenny screams.  I run to look.  She’s kissing him again, grabbin’ his face with her hands.  She’s killing him!

I pick up a steak knife.  I rush her, holdin’ it in front of me, ready to stab her in those horrible black eyes.

She looks up.  Her face is weird all of a sudden, moving and twisty, like an oil painting out in the rain.

I look at Lenny.  His face is bloody.  Something is crawling in his mouth.  What is she doing to him?

I scream, “You freak!” and raise the knife high.

Things happen fast.  Before I can move, she’s on me.

She grabs me.  Her hands are like steel vises.  My arms feel like they’re in a metal press.  I drop the knife and scream in pain.

She moves her face towards me.  I moan and try to get away, but her grip is too tight.

She places those nasty lips on mine.  It’s like a hot blowtorch on my face.  My skin burns and comes alive.  It starts to move like it’s alive.

Something’s crawling in my mouth, something slimy and wet with sharp spikes!  It’s a bug or something!  I feel sick, like my insides are trying to get out.  Then everything goes black.

****

Lois, Lois, Lois; I love to say her name.  Ain’t she beautiful? She’s my queen, my angel.  Her long, blond hair is like cream.  Her soft sexy body turns me on like a switch.  Her deep blue eyes, I could drown in ‘em.  How did I ever get so lucky that she wants to be with me? 

She made me do something I didn’t like, but I did it anyway, just ‘cause I love her so much.  She made me kill my best friend Lenny, cut his body into little pieces and cook him for dinner.  He tasted awful and I got real sick, but watching me eat him made her happy, so I did, every last bit of him.

Right now, she ain’t looking at me. Every time she looks away, it’s like a knife in my heart.  Lois!  Lois!  Sweetheart!  I’m over here!

I touch her arm.  She looks at me and frowns.  I know it makes her angry when I bug her, but I can’t help it.  I want her so bad it hurts.

We’re having dinner at Larry’s house.  Larry’s the foreman at the docks.  I didn’t want to bring her here, but she insisted.  I wanted her all to myself, I’m so afraid somebody’s gonna steal her away, but whatever she says goes. She gets mad so fast, and then she hits me or makes me cut off more of my fingers, but I don’t care; at least she’s paying attention to me.

Maybe if I do everything just right tonight, she’ll kiss me again.